The Eternal Recurrence

           Eternal Recurrence

January 10, 2021
This day, I have lived before, not just once, but maybe two or three times. I don’t remember exactly which days, but it is deeply engraved in my mind. The feelings I experienced on those days, the thumping of my heart, are still there. This is not a typical deja-vu. It is slightly different.

I opened the car window to shift my focus. Fields, long trees, rushing in the opposite direction at high speed. Here and there, a few people appeared. The clock showed 6:00 AM. The dawn was slowly announcing its arrival. The sun rose in the sky and poured light onto the earth. I was traveling in the car from Coimbatore to Chennai. My 20-year-old granddaughter, Diya, was sleeping beside me. She is my precious granddaughter. “Latha Patti, Latha Patti,” she kept murmuring in her sleep like a poem. Even when she slept, she looked as beautiful as a flower. She has no parents and has grown up under my care since she was a child. She is going to the United States for her higher studies, and her flight is tonight.

The thought that the Diya, who had been with me all these years, would soon build her own life and leave, made me anxious about facing the rest of my life alone. I began to feel overwhelmed, and my thoughts became scattered. I tried to calm myself down and sleep. As I closed my eyes, a dream unfolded.

January 10, 1961
"Akka, will I die?"
"No, don't talk like that."
"Will I die soon?"
"Don’t say that. You will live for a hundred years."

Manikandan smiled. He had been suffering from a high fever for two weeks. All the doctors in Coimbatore had given up, so we were traveling in a van to take him to a large hospital in Chennai.

Manikandan was like another son to me. He could not be without me even for a moment. Eating, playing, telling stories, sleeping—everything was done with me. I was only eight years old at the time, and Manikandan was four years younger than me.

I took care of him through the night when he was sick, giving him medicines with my own hands. No one else was allowed to do it. The cold wind blew, so I shut the van's windows. Although it was early morning, the sky was overcast. Shortly after, we could sense the impending rain.

Manikandan fell asleep in my lap. I prayed to God, asking that he survive.

Suddenly, the van stopped. Two cars had collided in the road. One person was seriously injured.

My father got out of the van to assess the situation. A woman grabbed his hands and was pleading with him. My father stood still for a moment, then came back to us. He spoke to my mother about it.

“That person is in a life-threatening condition. Chennai is still about 20 kilometers from here. They are asking us to take the injured person and his wife to the hospital since we are already going there. There's space in our van, and we can ask them to sit in the back seat. I agree. What do you say?”

My mother agreed as well.

At that moment, I felt like a destructive force had taken over me. I screamed,
"I won’t let anyone get in the car. Start the van right now! Manikandan must get well. I don’t care about anyone else. We must go to the hospital now!"

My mother tried to calm me down. I tugged at her hair in frustration.

“Look at Latha. She's doing this again. No matter what you say, she won’t calm down. I feel we should go too. If we take these people with us, we won’t be able to care for Manikandan properly.”

After thinking for a while, my father spoke to the driver. Then the driver took the van, and we moved on.

I looked out the window. The anger and hatred in the eyes of the injured man’s wife shook me to my core.

Exactly one week later, Manikandan passed away in the Chennai hospital.

————*********————-

Suddenly, a thumping sound woke me from my sleep. Was it a dream or reality? Sixty years ago, how had it turned into a dream? I was confused about what was real and what was a dream.

I drank some water to calm my heartbeat. Slowly, my mind became a little more composed.

Diya was still deeply asleep beside me. A book had slipped from her hand. I picked it up, curious. It was a book on Nietzsche’s philosophy. I was surprised by how she could read such heavy books. I felt proud of her intellectual abilities beyond her age.

I opened the book and started reading a chapter titled "Eternal Recursion." According to Nietzsche’s theory, the mass of all particles in the universe was defined, but time is infinite. Thus, events would repeat over and over again. Later, after Einstein’s mass-energy equivalence theory was established, it was discovered that the total mass of the universe was also infinite. However, scientists ignored Nietzsche’s "Eternal Recursion" theory.

While flipping through the pages, I noticed a photo of a young man placed between the pages. On the back, in Diya’s handwriting, was written: "My First Love - Nirav."

I realized Diya had hidden her love from me. Nirav seemed to be a perfect match for her. I closed the book and placed it back where I found it.

First love. My thoughts went back to forty years ago.

January 10, 1981
"Marriage is written on your face, Latha."
"What about the groom?"
A small smile flashed on Ranjan’s face.

Ranjan and I were traveling in a car from Coimbatore to Chennai. Our wedding was fixed for the next day.

Ranjan was my first love. I must have been his first love too. He was a senior in my agriculture college, and he was popular among the girls. He was famous for his acting skills in the college plays. During our final-year play, we both played the roles of Romeo and Juliet. It was my first acting experience, but everyone praised my performance, saying I did better than Ranjan. After that, he started paying more attention to me.

Our love blossomed, and we fought with our parents to get their consent. Our wedding was fixed for January 11, 1981. My parents had already gone ahead to make arrangements. Due to the final exams, Ranjan and I had to travel to Chennai a day before the wedding.

"Why did I fall for you, Latha?"
"Well, tell me."

"When I was young, I always came first in everything—studies, sports, everything. Everyone saw me as a hero. It was hard to suppress my ego. So, I decided that the woman I marry should be one who can challenge me."

"Who is this woman?"
"Tomorrow, at our wedding, you’ll see who she is."

That’s how he kept me smiling.

"We’re getting tired. Let’s stop and take a break."
Ranjan stopped the car. We got out and had a quick snack at a hotel.

Then, a horrible incident occurred. Two cars collided head-on. I stood frozen in shock. Ranjan rushed to the accident site.

In one car, an elderly man and his driver were dead. In the other car, a husband and wife were dead, but their young son was still alive.

There were only three hotel employees around to help. They carried the injured boy out of the car.

Ranjan, along with others, was discussing what to do. He came to me and said,
"There is a hospital nearby. We can take him there. What do you think?"

I didn’t agree. I didn’t know how to respond.

"Can’t we drop him off and leave immediately? The rest can be handled by the people here."
"I don’t think so. The police will want to investigate. Also, we will have to bear the initial medical costs for the boy, which they can’t afford."

"What are you thinking? Tomorrow is a crucial day for us."
"Your words are heartless."

"If we get involved in this mess, how will we explain it to our parents? What will they think if this happens before our wedding?"

At that moment, Ranjan looked at me as if I were a cruel beast. I got into the car angrily.

He stood still for a moment, thinking. Then he also got in, and we drove off.

Ranjan remained silent for the rest of the journey. Not a single word. At the hotel in Chennai, he dropped me off without speaking to me.

The next day, when we went to the wedding hall, it was empty. Ranjan’s parents informed us that he no longer wanted to marry me. I haven’t seen Ranjan since that day.

My first love left my life.

————*********————-

Diya stirred in her sleep.
"How long before we reach Chennai, Grandma?"
"We’ll be at the airport in two hours."
"That was a good sleep. It all came to me like one big dream."

"Did you sing a duet with Nirav?"

Diya was taken aback.
"I saw his photo. He really seems perfect for you."
"Grandma, you’re terrible. What did you do while I was asleep?"
"You hid this from me!"

I turned my face away angrily.
“You are from that era, aren’t you? I was afraid you wouldn’t accept it.”
“Who is from that era? I, your mother, and everyone have loved before, you know?”
“You’ve already told me your love story. Tell me mom’s story.”

Tears welled up in my eyes, and Diya noticed it.
“If it’s a tragic story, don’t tell it, Grandma. Why spoil the mood just before we leave for the village?”
“No, you must know about your mother.”

January 10, 2001
When your grandfather passed away, your mother Menaka was just six years old. She had firmly decided to study for the I.A.S (Indian Administrative Service) as he had wished. January 10, 2001, became an unforgettable day in both of our lives. That day, she had her final I.A.S exam in Chennai. We were on our way to the exam center by car.

On the way, there was an accident where two cars had collided. A small crowd had gathered. The driver stopped the car and inquired. Two people had died in the accident, but one person could still be saved if treated in time. The crowd begged us to help take the injured person to the nearby hospital. Menaka too agreed to their request.

But there was very little time left to reach the exam hall in Chennai. I told the driver to continue driving. We reached the center just in time for the exam.

After the exam, I asked Menaka how she had done. She said, “How can anyone write an exam after committing murder? For all three hours of the exam, the bleeding face of that injured person haunted me.” And with that, her I.A.S dream was shattered.

Since then, Menaka changed. She couldn’t sleep properly. The guilt consumed her.
One day, she left me and went to Pune to join Osho’s Ashram. She married your father and gave birth to you.

But neither your parents were willing to raise you. They thought you were a hindrance to their spiritual quest. They placed you in an orphanage and traveled the world. Somehow, I found out, rescued you, and have been raising you ever since. Your parents are not dead. They are still alive.”

———*******———

Diya covered her face with both hands and sobbed. Then, wiping her tears, she hugged me.
“Even if I don’t have a mother, I have you, Grandma. Even my mom couldn’t have raised me as wonderfully as you have.”

“Diya, was I wrong? If I had made a different decision at the accident scene, I wouldn’t have lost my daughter, and you wouldn’t have lost your mother. For twenty years, this question has pierced my heart.”

“You did nothing wrong, Grandma. 99.99% of people would have made the same choice. Even I would have done the same.”

Suddenly, my hands trembled. My whole body was anxious.
“What is today’s date?”
“January 10. Why are you asking?”

“January 10, 2021. The same day. The same event. Once every twenty years. Why didn’t I think about this? Eternal Recursion. God, please, not today. Let this child live peacefully.”

I clasped my hands and kept chanting the Sashti Kavasam prayer. Diya looked at me, scared and confused.
The car stopped.
The driver said there had been an accident. After watching the crowd for a while, he started the car again.

Suddenly, anger surged within me. I told the driver to turn the car back to the accident spot.

There, a four-year-old child was fighting for life.
I knew clearly what I had to do.
“Diya, take your bags and get down.”
“Grandma, what’s happening? Ever since you told mom’s story, you’ve been acting strangely.”

“We’re now at Chengalpattu. You’ll get a bus to Chennai in half an hour. Take the driver with you for help and reach the airport.”
“What are you going to do?”

“I’m taking this child to the hospital. I’ll stay with her until she recovers.”
“Grandma, are you out of your mind? Many vehicles pass this route. Someone will surely help the child. But can you leave me now? I’m traveling thousands of miles to an unknown land. I’ve never even flown before. Shouldn’t you at least be with me for moral support?”

“You won’t understand, Diya. Eternal Recursion. To break this cycle of events, this is the only way. Get down.”

I asked the driver to get down and took his seat.
Left with no choice, Diya got out of the car. The crowd helped me place the injured child in the car.

Before leaving, I looked at Diya’s face.
“Twenty years ago, my mother abandoned me. Now you. I’ll never even look at your face again.”
Diya walked away in haste. The driver followed her with the luggage.

I took the child to the hospital. After intense treatment, the child survived.

I returned to Coimbatore. My heart was filled with Diya. Every moment, I worried if she had reached America safely. Days passed. Not a single phone call from Diya. All my attempts to reach her through her friends failed.

One night, at midnight, the phone rang.
There was silence on the other end.

“Diya, is that you? Did the child reach safely? I have prayed to every god I know for you.”
Silence continued.

“Forgive me, Diya.”
“It’s okay, Grandma. At first, I was furious. I decided never to speak to you again. But you know what’s surprising? My journey went smoothly. I reached the Chennai airport an hour late, but the staff there helped me board on time. Nirav’s elder brother was on the same flight. He helped me with everything — changing flights, handling luggage, everything. I even found a great roommate here at the university.”

“I’m so happy, Diya.”

“Let me tell you something. What you did that day was right. You decided to save that child, and as a reward, God took care of me.”

“Eternal Recursion. The only way to break it was the choice I made.”
“Hey old lady! If you keep rambling about Eternal Recursion like a lunatic, I won’t even call you again, okay?”

“Don’t be mad, Diya.”

“You read two words from my philosophy book and are now blabbering. Do you even know what Eternal Recursion means? Great philosophers and scientists have debated this for ages. Just stick to your Kanda Sashti Kavasam prayer. You won’t understand this.”

I smiled.
Why wouldn’t I understand? I have lived it, I thought to myself.

Like a chirping sparrow, Diya’s lively chatter continued on the other end.